Sometimes I have mood swings. Extreme highs followed by extreme lows. And it can be painfully difficult to keep up. Sometimes it feels like the lows will never end. Even though I know, deep down inside of me, that they will. They’re triggered by self-doubt, insecurity, fear, hormones. They make me feel weak, pathetic, lost and uncomfortable. I’ve been experiencing these deep moments of unexplainable sadness for years. I mean, YEARS. And yet every time a new one passes through, it feels unique, like I’ve never gone through it before. It feels like I may never get through it this time. And every time, every single time, I do.
These last couple days I’ve been experiencing one of the harshest down swings I have in a very long time. Laying in bed, looking for problems to solve when there is nothing that needs a solution, writing over and over again, “I will be okay.” So, here I am, once again, knowing I’ll get through this but not knowing how or when or what to do with myself in the meantime.
And the hardest thing for me to accept is that I don’t need to find answers right now. I just need to accept where I am in my journey. Accept that I do indeed have patience, even though it feels like all my emotions are coming crashing down to paralyze me. I do have the time to give myself some love while I get through this. I believe in myself no matter how many times I have to remind myself that I do. And it’s hard. It’s really really hard.
Remembering that in order to be inspired, I don’t have to be okay all the time. In order to continue growing and nurturing my love for myself, I don’t have to be sunshine and rainbows every step of the way. So much of it is just being okay with where you are RIGHT. NOW. Because we all have those little voices that manifest in different ways. And running away from them won’t do anything except make them stronger, louder and more invasive the next time they decide to speak.
So, today, I accept myself for wanting to lay in bed, not knowing what to do with my time and feeling really really lost.
Sometimes I get severely depressed. And that’s okay.